Sometimes that’s how I feel. I’m sinking, I’m drowning, I just can’t keep my head above water…and then He saves me.
He pulls me up, He helps me through, He holds me close and whispers, “Child, I’m holding you. You are safe.”
College stinks. I mean, it really, truly stinks sometimes. Just when you think you’ve got in under control BAM! You go home for a break and never want to return to the school 500+ miles away. That’s where I’m at. That’s my ocean. That’s what is pulling me down and dragging me through my emotions. I’m drowning in my thoughts, feelings, schoolwork, extra curriculars, you name it, it’s a negative in my mind. I constantly struggle to find a positive that will get me out of bed in the morning. Before I know it, my grades and friends and enthusiasm will fade away and only be a memory. Now, I am the type of person who can’t handle being alone. I have always had to have a friend group to sit with at lunch, go to the concert with, or accompany me to the bathroom (because everything is better together, right?) But often times, I feel stuck in a rut and sad with nothing to help me get better. I forget to do my devotions one day, tune out in chapel the next, and before I know it, I’ve skipped out on worship and prayer times that I’ll never get back. I don’t mean to do it…I love my God and my faith and my identity that comes through it all, and yet I fall.
I’m a worrier, a busy-body, and a girl that just loves a good book or a long nap. A hectic schedule with school, work, Bible studies, and band does not always assist in my Jesus and Leslie time. Far too often I see myself more concerned with my grade on a test than what verses I read that morning. I’d rather hit my snooze (which I did for the first time yesterday morning) than get some extra devo time in. Why do I concern myself with things of this world instead of spend time with the one who holds my future. I don’t know what my future holds. I’d like to think I do! Going back to school in Iowa, spending more time with my family, going back to the church I grew up in…but I don’t know if that’s His will. I’d like to think it is and honestly, that’s what I feel it is. But my constant battle of self never fully clears up God’s Will in my head.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Lord, help me to know you are with me and that You have called me to where I am. Please make Your Will very clear and evident in my life and help me to relax and be okay with where You have me. Help me to thrive, be well, and do my best in all that I do.